Meditation

2020 | This idea was already there just after my graduation. COVID wasn’t exactly the best time to find a graduate job. While hunting for opportunity, I spent my free time experimenting with new ideas I never had time during Uni. Pazusoba was born during this phrase, aloneside maintaining WoWs Info and probably a few other apps, while learning native Swift and Kotlin development. By August 2020, I landed my current role and started my engineering journey....

悲情英雄者，非天命所鍾之人，亦非萬勝無傷之士。其人未必聰絕天下，未必勢壓群雄，未必得時，未必得勢，亦未必為世所知。然其可貴者，不在其命佳，不在其途順，而在其歷盡摧折之後，猶能整其殘甲，斂其舊傷，向無常之地，再進一寸。 恒本庸人，久困迷途。少懷大志，欲以微末之身，叩問市場之門，窺變化之一隙。然天機幽遠，人智有限，數年之間，屢戰屢敗，屢起屢仆。每見所求不得，則疑己道之非；每逢所願成空，則恨天時之薄。志氣消磨於長夜，心神困頓於成敗，四顧茫然，不知所歸。 始則以為，世之難者，在外；敵之強者，在彼。故常欲以術勝市，以智奪機，以一念之明，壓萬變之勢。及至夢碎數回，前路盡黯，然後始知：外敵未必真強，內心實為大患。所畏者，非波動也，非虧盈也，非不可測之黑天鵝也，實己心之怯，己念之執，己不能容己之苦耳。 夫人之敗，未必敗於一役；多敗於未戰先懼，臨陣先疑。既懼其敗，則手足自縛；既疑其身，則神氣先衰。是以強者當前，未交鋒而心已亂；風暴將至，未及身而志已搖。此人所以自困者，非天也，非地也，乃其不肯與己和。 恒嘗陷至暗之地，百念俱灰，前塵如夢。既無可托，亦無可飾。其時敗既積久，意氣日削，夜半獨坐，對屏久視，竟有不敢再按之時。非真不能，實是不敢；非真不願，實是心已亂矣。至此方悟：人之大患，不在無勝，而在不能受敗；不在命薄，而在不能認命；不在世道多艱，而在不能直視其傷。若不能容己，則一損皆若滅頂；若不敢視己，則縱有小成，終日惶惶，未嘗片刻得安。 及其困窮之極，反得大解。知人生本無全勝之理，市場亦無盡測之機。若必待萬全而後動，則終生無可動之時；若必待無敗而後戰，則天下無可戰之局。於是始知：可前行者，不必無懼；可成事者，不必無傷。惟與己和，而後能向前；惟認其敗，而後能用其勝。 自此之後，心境頓異。昔所畏者，今視之不過風雷一瞬；昔所執者，今視之不過浮名片影。蓋至谷底，則再無可墜；至絕地，則再無可失。夢既碎矣，何幻可守；名既輕矣，何譽可憑。恒所余者，不過一身創痕，半生孤勇，與一念未死之真心耳。 於是盡其舊學，納其新知，不復奉預測如神，不復拜勝率為主，轉而以行動為刃，以取捨為道，以存亡進退為先。所求者，不再是一時之巧勝，而是風暴之中，仍能立足；深淵之前，仍能出手。雖未敢言盡明其理，盡窮其道，然較諸昔日空想高論，已近實戰之真。 后得強化之法，其念久萌，而恒遲遲未試。非不知其或可一用，實未能忘其舊懼。晚歲有其念，而其時心未定，手未敢前，雖已隱約見其門徑，終徘徊門外，不敢遽入。及至大悟之後，始知法可晚得，而心不可終怯；術可漸成，而志不可久衰。於是乃敢舉其炬火，試其鋒芒，於至暗之淵，發最後之一擊。 未幾，機勢果轉。大破之後，反得大立；大悲之後，竟開大道。至此始知：所謂突破，未必先在術，而常先生於人。非模型先成而後心定，乃心先不懼而後路開。昔所不得，未必盡由於天機深秘，多半亦由於自縛其手，自閉其門。今既解其縛，縱前路未明，足下亦不復昔日之踟躕矣。 然恒不敢以此自滿。蓋天道無常，市場無情，今日之得，未可恃為永安；一時之成，未可誇為終局。恒之所願，不止一身之利，不止一時之勝。若此系統果能久行，能庇後來，減後人摸索之苦，開後人前行之門，使來者不必盡蹈恒昔年之迷惘、沉淪、破碎與長夜，則雖百折千磨，其志亦慰。縱身後無名，而其心足矣。 故曰：悲情英雄者，非其命厚，乃其命薄而不逃；非其身完，乃其身傷而不屈；非其必勝，乃其知未必勝而仍敢戰；非其無淚，乃其有淚而不回頭；非其不懼，乃其懷懼而終能拔劍。此其所以為英雄也。其悲不在敗，其悲在知人生本荒涼而仍欲燃盡此身；其壯不在勝，其壯在明知終局未必如願，而仍肯以全部真誠，赴最後之戰。 若夫前路更險，風暴更深，或再敗於功成之前，或再仆於長夜之中，恒亦願受之。只是此後，不願再如往日一般，明明心中有念，臨到關頭，卻又自縮其手；明明路已至前，偏還自疑自阻。若天終不許，恒亦無辭；若事終不成，恒亦受之。但求臨了回看，不至再恨當初畏首畏尾，自縛其手。 雖千敗而志不改，雖萬難而身不回。 恒今至此，再無可守。 所余者，唯勇而已。

As an INFP, I have spent many years fighting with the idea of meaning, needing it deeply, yet also feeling that there might be no inherent meaning at all. This contradiction left me confused. The question is, how do you live your life when meaning feels both essential and impossible? One day, I was just browsing YouTube randomly, and I came across a video about Albert Camus, another INFP much like myself....

I have to admit that two of my recent posts feel somewhat repetitive and lower quality compared to The Loser’s Dream, but I was in the mood and crying while writing it. After getting back from Tassie late Monday, I finished implementing my stock picker on Tuesday. And now… I honestly have nothing to do. Nothing. So… what should I do next? Let’s start after I graduate from University. It was January 2020, just a few months before the COVID pandemic hit....

Lately, I have been getting too emotional for no reason. Today, I just want to look back on my life, from my days in Singapore until now, as a dream chaser. You may ask, bro what’s wrong with you? Didn’t you just say yesterday, no dreams, let go? Well yeah, that’s true, but it doesn’t mean I have given up. It’s just that I have lowered the priority of everything, no need to rush anymore....

Last week, I took an 11 hour train to Melbourne with no chargers, little reception, but lots of time. The fun game on my laptop only lasted for 3 hours before running out of battery, so I spent the rest of the time thinking about my entire life. Where did it go wrong? Everything exploded that night in 2023, and I faced the greatest crisis of my life, but I knew it wasn’t the only cause, but a chain reaction....

2025 is ending so quickly, just like every year, but somehow, this year feels a bit different. If you already know something would turn out, what would you do? Just like we all share the same end, one day fading from the world, forgotten by all, but does this mean our memories, our efforts, our dreams meaningless? If you knew you would fail at the thing you desire most, what would you do?...

It should be time to continue with working on my model after the long break since Feburary. Many things had happened, but I don’t have time to record everything. My friends and brothers are going home. This is a common issue with people like us, the insecure and instability. However, life must conitnue regardless… This year was meant to fail as my ultimate goal, but deeply inside, I don’t want to fail, I want to succeed and win....

Bazzite is like an open-source version of the Steam OS, I mean it is based on Linux with Proton. This becomes like a reason why I should be using Linux in 2025, it works very nicely for almost any AMD GPU. It is Linux, so things should just work without anything, but this does require some setups only once though. My GPD Win 4 is the AMD 6800U version, so it does run a bit slow especially when we have the Steam Deck....

It has been only 11 days, and what should I say about it? It is already over. I guess I should work hard next year in 2026, haha. Nah, I’m just kidding. 2025 has been great so far, but already with many ups and downs. On the first day in 2025, I had a major breakthrough in my trading model. That performance was never seen before, but the win rate is still just about 50ish....