As an INFP, I have spent many years fighting with the idea of meaning, needing it deeply, yet also feeling that there might be no inherent meaning at all. This contradiction left me confused. The question is, how do you live your life when meaning feels both essential and impossible? One day, I was just browsing YouTube randomly, and I came across a video about Albert Camus, another INFP much like myself.
Now, I understand his idea more clearly. He never ran away from the problem; I did. He faced the problem head on and called it absurd. Yes, life is crazy and absurd because nothing makes any sense. What is his solution, though? He never gave up on life and fell into the endless hole of nihilism. Instead, he rebelled against the universe, and this is how we, too, can confront and overcome the problem of meaning.
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
I really love this quote. Honestly, I just saw it 10 minutes ago, but it reflects how I see my life now. I won’t lie, my life so far hasn’t been full of joy and happiness, but even in moments when I felt like surrendering, there has always been something deep inside me that refuses to give up…
When my biggest trading mistake blew up my past decade, I felt completely defeated. Very quickly, though, I felt the warmth rising from within. Funny, right? I do also have an invincible summer inside me, even in the harshest winter. The greatest life crisis, I have realised, is also the greatest opportunity to reflect and reconstruct my inner world.
Just like my fragile trading system, I was fragile too. How can a fragile being create something antifragile? Therefore, I threw everything away: dreams, hopes, futures, and even meaning. Even with nothing left, I should still be able to live a happy life. A life where failures and mistakes are the default, yet I can accept them with joy. This is my own rebellion against this absurd world.