Last week, I took an 11 hour train to Melbourne with no chargers, little reception, but lots of time. The fun game on my laptop only lasted for 3 hours before running out of battery, so I spent the rest of the time thinking about my entire life. Where did it go wrong? Everything exploded that night in 2023, and I faced the greatest crisis of my life, but I knew it wasn’t the only cause, but a chain reaction. Where exactly does the pain and suffering come from? Today, I am writing with an answer.
I got back to Sydney late Monday night and returned to work on Wednesday. Out of nowhere, everything just clicked or snapped? I realised I had been running away from the event that happened in 2013, when I was in Singapore. Funny, right? It found its way back to me almost a decade later, in 2023. Maybe the universe was leading me all along. It is about time to face it.
Well, it is easier said than done. Nearly two years later now, and only now do I feel the courage to let go of 2013. I also never truly understood myself, this fear of losing, this obsession with my dreams, as if they were all I had for an entire decade. What was I doing ever after that day? Living in regret and in the past, that’s why I had no future, because I never moved on.
When I recall my past, I realise I am always an emotional, crying boy, for as long as I can remember. My childhood had some lonely moments when my parents were busy with work. Sometimes, I got bullied at school, but it wasn’t all that bad; we were young and naive. Later on, even bullies became good friends, and I left my boarding school to go home every day. My family argued from time to time, but that’s just another part of life; no one is perfect. Yes, they hurt me sometimes, but they aren’t the kind of regrets… life regrets, I should say.
This is why I don’t think my childhood, school and family were the main causes. I can honestly say I was happy even during the toughest days, but when I went to Singapore for school, everything changed. It was a major challenge for me, and I saw my forum as a fun place and an internal support. I started programming just to make an app for my forum, but everything fell apart the day it suddenly shut down. It hurt just too much for 15 year old self to handle… far more than I could take at the time.
Through all that pain and suffering, I honed and polished many of my skills. As a result, I started programming 10 years ago and entered the IT industry 5 years ago, right after graduation. Good culture, good people, good pay, living what many would call a dream, but why am I still the same sad me I was back in 2013?
Just this week, you know what? I am simply tired, tired of being sad and miserable. I look back and wonder what an awful life it was over the past decade. Just tried from all of these, the dreams, the obsessions, the regrets and the failures. I just want to let them go and finally be happy again, after all these years.
For many years, I have wondered if I had never seen that iPhone 3G back in 2011, would my life have been a happier one, even without a good paying job? Maybe I would have different worries, different feelings, but happiness isn’t something you can buy with money. There is never a second chance in life, but we can always pause and take a deep breath. I am also happy that I discovered what I truly enjoy 10 years ago, even though it came with pain and suffering. Tonight, I feel like I can cry as hard as I wish, free from everything at last.
It is never too late to turn things around, even after a decade. True reconciliation with myself only comes when I accept all my past mistakes and forgive all my past selves. This realisation can happen at any moment, even if it is a decade late. 10, 20 years from now, I don’t want to regret not having had the courage to move on. Today, even starting from now, I can be happy again, without dreams, goals or anything else. We all only have one life; hopefully, it will be a happier one.
I don’t know exactly what comes next, but I guess I will start trying things I have never done before, maybe spend more time outdoors and meet more people instead. Things will work out somehow, I hope. This year has truly been a special one from many angles. Through failures, I discovered my true self. By moving on from my past, I can now embrace my brighter future.