Why I was unhappy

Last Saturday, I wrote some thoughts on why I can be happy without meaning. Today, I just have some quick thoughts on why I was unhappy in the past.

When I was a little tiny kid, I was definitely happy because I simply had no idea what was happening, just playing around without purposes just for the raw fun. Up until a point, when I started rejecting something, that’s when I began to be divided. Maybe, that’s when things turned around.

Maybe, I introduced the concept of the ancient Yin & Yang before or not. This can sort of solve my question. Sometimes, I was just too positive or too “good” about myself. You know all those things, performing well as a student, going to a good university, becoming a good person, having a nice family, good kids, a good life and so on. By no means, they are bad, they are just good, too good almost like my ideal dream. Well, so what is the price?

Yin & Yang really solved the mystery, where is the Yin part? The “bad negative” part? If the world is a balanced place, then the “bad” part must coexist with the “good” part. I feel like both parts are interconnected, Yang will lead to/create Yin, and vice versa.

I wasn’t unhappy because I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t achieve what I wanted to do, things didn’t go the way I wanted or some other random reasons. The thing is there were many Yang moments in my life, but I focused too much on the Yin side because I only wanted the Yang part. This is sort of funny because I ignored the Yang side even though I wanted it so much. Why did I never realise about this? No idea, why just focus on the negative side?

In the end, it was not that hard. The thing I feared the most was becoming that person I hated the most, the so called “bad” like being lazy, not achieving anything, not being successful or whatever. The thing is, I was always that person. If I can simply accept that part of me, then I can be happy because I don’t have to achieve anything or be anyone, I can be “bad”, it is part of me.

This is however easier said than done, but it is a new beginning, letting go things for many years. This may take a long time to digest, but it is fine, no need to rush anymore. Now, I can be more complete, more balanced and more happy. I can rest, being lazy when I need to, and work harder when I want to. I can be me, both sides of me.

I really don’t know what I am talking about anymore… it is just some random thoughts. I wasn’t happy because I hadn’t given up on myself, I thought I could do something, but in fact, I was limited. That doesn’t mean I won’t try, but I am happy to accept that I am very bad at things, why not? If I cannot accept my other half, the “bad” part, how can I then accept others? If there is no room for my other half, there will never be a place for others in me.

Next time, I will write something more fun instead of all these nonsences, lol.