From late 2020 until now 2024, my perspectives have changed over time, especially in 2023 when I started trading and had my most significant failure. However, things have changed again just two months ago…
Before I start, I want to mention that there is never a better way or right or wrong way to live a life, all lives are unique and equal. In the end, we are going to fade away with time. Thousands of years from now, little may remain. This is just something I want to share from my perspective lasting over 10 years.
Where should I start? I guess maybe from that first day I became divided, I don’t know when it was, but I was once happy and complete enjoying life to the fullest.
Life wasn’t complicated as a kid, but one day, I must face the reality of life. Where there are people, there will be conflicts even if you are just a kid. The kid world can be more cruel than the adult world, because kids are very honest and straightforward, in a sense very innocent.
In motherland, we always ranked students based on their academics or scores. Well, it isn’t perfect, it does reflect something. I was always in the middle, just average, very average, and I still am today. I wanted to go up in rank to become a “good” student, and maybe what’s when I started rejecting the so called “bad” students. It may seem that there is nothing wrong, but also everything was wrong.
Was I happy?
Before Year 4/5, I was living at a boarding school and only going home on weekends. It was tough at least in the beginning, but you know, it wasn’t too bad after one or two years. Like I said, kids, especially young kids, can be a bit bullies here and there, but I feel like it was almost like part of human nature. Many bullies became very good friends years later, they grew, changed, and became completely different people.
After that, I started going home every day, so I must have been happy, right?
Well, yes and no.
Life is complicated like that. When I couldn’t go home every day, I really wanted to go home. However, when I could actually do that, I also wanted to go back to the boarding school. I guess I just admire what I don’t have, just like how I have always admired people who are “better” than me, but I could never see the other side of their story, the struggles they may have been through. Of course, I hope they are truly happy, so this is just my random guesses, after all.
When I entered secondary school of the same school, things started to change. People are getting nicer and more mature, but also more complicated. You have to manage relationships more carefully, even with teachers. It wasn’t too bad at the time, but if you ask me now, I feel like it was actually worse than the primary school because of everything hidden behind the scenes. I became more divided, more confused, and more lost without realising it because I just had too many homework and exams to worry about.
Don’t worry, one day, you will have time to ponder all your worries.
That day was sooner than I thought, when I went to Singapore in 2013, where I had too much time, too much honestly.
That’s when everything started…
When I had too much time, I started thinking about everything. That was my first radical change, when I realised the meaningless of life.
I mean, everything literally everything I had done was not for myself, I was simply following the path without knowing the reason. Everyday, I woke up, went to school, came back, did homework, and slept. It was shocking to me, but I never saw it this way.
In the distance future, millions of millions of years from now, humanity may also fade away, so what’s the point of all this? Going to school, going to university, going to work, getting married, having kids, and then what? One day, I must face it.
I fall into a deep dark hole, not knowing how to escape, but it is almost like my human nature seeking to escape from it, but How?
If there is no meaning, why not create one?
Many years ago, this was my solution to counter. That’s also when I started learning programming and doing lots of things, seeing them as my purpose and meaning. I became a dream chaser, longing to become a better person.
This worked extremely well for a very long time, but eventually, it is falling apart. The strong will of becoming better is powerful, but sometimes overwhelming positivities give brith to negative aspects. I started to question myself and rejecting my past self, my negative part. I often questioned myself why I couldn’t be like others, I always told myself that I am simply not good enough regardless of what I have achieved.
Over the past years, I wanted to ensure I have a strong foundation, and the only way to do that is kept questioning and punching my weakest part. Even if I can endure whatever comes, I will then hold a steady foundation. This is what I have been doing, but it is also what I have been doing wrong.
In 2023, I felt like I was finally strong enough, not until that fateful night…
I was weak and vulnerable, not knowing what to do when I lost over 95% that quickly. It was so devastating that I didn’t know what to do. My foundation was shattered, leaving me in a deep, dark hole once again. I have mentioned before how it was warmth that got me out of it from the darkness.
This wasn’t a bad thing, it was a new beginning. After 10 years, I have to face my other half, the negative part of me. Even though I lost some capitcal, it was really nothing compared to what I have gained. I acknowledged my past achievements and started seeing myself in different perspectives.
But I was still lost… things are moving too fast around me, I became exshausted eventually, the past 10 years weren’t easy, but it was worth it, it was just like a journey, never knowing what will happen next.
In August this year, just before my decisive battle at Bondi beach. I finally understood the uncertainties of life and became complete. It was a special moment, when I crossed the finish line as if I surpassed my past self.
This month, I went to Melbourne after 6 years seeing my friends, and going to the wedding ceremony. I am blessed to have such great friends, and the next day, it was my birthday. We had a nice little celebration again, and it was nice.
Creating a meaning is powerful, but I am fragile. Many things can easily destroy everything, but life is like that. When something is destroyed, something new will be born, just like me. To fully overcome the meaninglessness of life, I must accept it, just like acceping my past self and my other half. The obsession of meaning may only lead to futher confusion or corrpution, but what if I just let it go?
When I want to become better, I will do so just like before, but if I feel lazy, that’s fine too. Take a nice break, enjoy the moment and continue when I am ready, this time, with my full self. The liberation from meaning and endless pursuit of becoming better is making everything better. Even if I am again lost in the darkness, that is not a big deal, take some moment to enjoy even in the deep dark hole, because life has no meaning.
Throwing away the meaning actually gives a stronger foundation because you don’t care (am I finally insane), even though I don’t need it anymore, it gives more freedom to do whatever I want. In the end, I am just happy, truly happy, without any meaning.