After almost 8 years, I was back in Singapore earlier this month to celebrate my 10th year of programming. Also, I wanted to test a few things to prepare for my next Japan trip. A lot had happened, yet I was back again to face my past.

The trip was sort of sudden, but I made up my mind to go. I had been staying in Sydney for the past 3 years in my room working remotely. My past kept haunting me back, and my foundation was getting close to collapsing. I needed an answer, and I thought it was in Singapore.

That few days were not great when it reached its peak. My foundation collapsed, and I was sucked into a hole. At the bottom, I realised that accepting my past and nothingness is the only way to move forward. Going back to Singapore was like saying farewell to my past self.

I was excited when I landed at Changi Airport. Maybe, I just stayed in one place for too long. The nostalgia hit me hard as if it was 10 years ago when I landed in Singapore with my dad. It was almost 11 pm when I arrived at my hotel. It was actually my first time living at Orchard Road, a fancy area of Singapore. Even though I studied in Singapore for two years, I rarely came here before.

The first thing to test was my Wise card. Before my flight, I actually sent money to my card just in case anything went wrong. It took me a few tries to figure out how to use it, but it worked. I was glad that I send the money early because CommBank was maintaining their app, and I couldn’t use it when I was paying.

I couldn’t sleep much that night due to the new environment and jet lag. Singapore was humid like it was. I only slept for maybe 4 hours and woke up at 6 am.

The breakfast was nice, and I like it. I was only staying in Singapore for 4 days because it was quite expensive. Luckily, I had my HSBC card and changed some SGD when the rate was still great. HSBC carried the entire time in Singapore. I used it for the bus, train and everything else. It just worked like a local card.

I visited my guardian’s family. They were all doing well, and I was happy to see them after so many years. I also visited my area when I was in Singapore. Everything was still there like it was before. It was great walking around Singapore. I was always in my room programming and rarely went out. I guess when I was programming, I could escape the cold reality because it was so hot outside. That’s when I was happy and saw the meaning of my life.

That’s why it collapsed because maybe life has no meaning in the end.

Whether it is programming or my dreams, they are meanings I gave to myself. Even though 99% of the time, I truly believed that they were meaningful. That 1% can still shake my foundation. Maybe, I am the one who is always pushing it because the only way to know if I am right is to question and deny it. This is the only way to have an invincible foundation.

That’s why I accepted that 1% and the fact that life can sometimes be meaningless.

This trip was fantastic, and I was glad that I could finally face and accept my past. It was a farewell as well to my past self. 10 years ago, I started programming and had crazy dreams. Now, I want to go beyond and achieve crazier dreams in the next 10 years.

Even after 10,000 programming hours, I am not exactly a good developer. Does that mean that I am a failure? Maybe, I cannot deny that 1% in me because there are many developers way better than me, and they spend way less time also. Does that mean I will just give up? No way. Maybe, I am a failure, but I will reject it 100%.

This is why life is so interesting. Even if life is truly meaningless, I will spend my whole life rebelling against it. This can at least make my life fun and engaging. Dream bigger and crazier. Show life who the real owner is.

Now, I need to prepare for my trip back to motherland in April. Later, I will visit Japan as well. Quite busy this year, heh. This is the sort of life I wanted before COVID.